Dumb people should have their asses Kickstartered

So there is a website that I check out regularly called Kickstarter.com where people can pitch a project to the "community" in hopes of receiving funding for their work.  The projects vary, ranging from a photo collage for sale to feature films and like most websites that allow for user created content (like Blogspot for example) a lot of crap gets into the mix as well (like my blog).  One of my favorite things to do is check out the crap and see if there is anything that might be fun to make fun of so I offer the following projects up as fodder. 

First on the list tonight is Super Doobie Dude, a horrible idea from some guy that thinks he is funny but in real life probably isn't.  This game was probably started as a joke between two friends that were smoking weed, who in a moment of Nirvanna, come up with the idea to start a game company and make this game.  I would have loved to be a fly on the wall for that conversation.

*Inhale*
FD:  Hey man, you know what?
*Inhale*
SD: What?
*Inhale*
FD:  I have been seeing a lot of stories about zombies.
*Inhale*
SD:  Me too dude.
*cough* *Inhale*
*Inhale*
FD:  I think they should make a game about zombies.
*Inhale*
SD:  Zombies?  Man they already made that game man.
*Inhale*
FD:  I know but the game should involve weed man.  That way people can see how it's not bad and shouldn't be illegal.
*SD stares at the first dude like he is some kind of sage*
*Blink*
SD: What would it be about?  Zombies smoking weed?*laughs* *coughs*
FD: No man. A dude that smokes weed and fights zombies.
SD:  Like why would he be fighting zombies?
FD:  Because their zombies man.  That's what you do, you fight them.
SD:  True, true but I mean what is the purpose of the game?  Are the zombies trying to get his weed?
*packing another joint* <----you can tell I don't smoke weed
FD: No man, they stole the dudes girlfriend
SD:  Yeah!  But what if it wasn't like his girlfriend but a chick he really liked.  Like what if it was the head cheerleader?
FD:  Dude that's awesome!  Check this out man...*giggles* what if the zombies were the football team*giggles*
SD:  Yeah man*giggles* that would be like implying that all football players are mindless.
FD:  I know man that's what I was going for.  Man that would be a sweet game.  I'd play it.
SD:  Me too man!  F*** Call of Duty!
FD:  I know right!?
SD:  Dude, we should make that game!
FD:  Dude, I think we just did!
*Victory Inhale*

Now tell me you wouldn't shake your head and blame their parents for raising a couple of morons. 

Next up:  A game with no title, no plot synopsis, no indication whatsoever of anything.  Just this photo

Nice skank-stuache douche.  Here's the link: ???Unknown???

I don't know about you guys but I'm gonna pledge $1.5 million to this guy if he'll shoot himself in the face.  He looks confused.  His lower lip is HUGE and he has a dream catcher in the background of the picture so you know he lives with his parents.  WTF public schools?  Is this the future?  If so, I'm going to go ahead and get my guns and head to the mountains.  There are plenty of deer, rabbits, and bears(oh my) for me to feed and cloth my family until we die(that rhymed *giggle*), right?

Number 3:  This one is actually two(did I just blow your mind?) games trying to be made.  The first is called T.R.E.K. Orbital Artillery, which actually looks cool but makes me want to scream NERD!  I mean the guy even says  he wishes "long life and prosperity" or live long and prosper to you trekkies.  Coupled with the fact the main dude is a fat Indian whose friend Aktosh helped him create the game. 



The second of this rambling is called FOO Bots and bears the subtitle "Programming is now a martial art"

Well Mr. Smarty Pants, programming isn't a martial art.  Martial Arts are cool, tough, and do not require a person to sit in front of a damn computer typing all day and night while on duty at the dispatcher office...wait what? Just reading the Kickstarter page for this game makes me want to go to a lab somewhere and invent LSD so I can pretend it was the acid talking and not my sober mind.

Finally (thank god) I have saved the best for last.  The title of this project is Beatbox Mobile.  It is a mobile app that lets you arrange various beatbox loops, record your own, post them online for the masses and would probably get funded if the guy redid his video but unfortunately for it, he didn't.  *spoiler alert* Don't actually watch the whole video because it's like 20 minutes but read the first paragraph in his plea to Kickstarter.  Here's an except:

                                "It all started as a dream.. It always does right? Dreams like clouds just seem to appear in our world, but unlike clouds they never seem to just go away, for me its been there a very long time. Why I am here and how I got here cant be much different than your story.. it all starts with a dream, some of us have them, and some of us just want to see people happy and living their dreams and will do whatever it takes to see a smile on that persons face.. that’s a love that cant be explained."

WTF?

I'll recap the video for you.  He talks about his dream for like 5 minutes, tells you how he is this supposed world famous beatboxer for 5 minutes, almost cries on screen, poorly edits the video so he cuts himself off mid-sentence, takes off his glasses for the sake of the audience so they won't "see glare", and plays pinball...yep....pinball.  I promise I'm not making this up.  While he is playing pinball, he says "if I score 20,000 you have to fund my project.  I have 1 ball left" the video shows him lose the ball then rough cuts to him still playing, finally saying "yeah, 20,000 so you are going to fund me right?" *wink*.  *Faggot*  The video ends with him saying he loves me.  Awww.

Don't let this turn you off of Kickstarter.com because there are a ton of excellently thought ideas from very talented people.  My favorite is Stephanie Mabey who sings the song "Wake Up Dreaming" and "The Zombie Song".  My daughter love's "The Zombie Song" and sings it in the car when I take her to school.

So check out Kickstarter and if you see something truly great, pledge money and help them spread the word.

Duh.....

There seems to be a full moon out tonight.  I've been on shift for 6 hours now and had nothing but constant calls ranging from dudes trying to bust into other dudes rooms to a guy passing out, waking up and passing out again in a Subway restaurant.  Seriously WTF?  One idiot got arrested and for one thing but got another charge for having weed on him when they took him into the jail.  I had one call where a person said "the n***er that stole my s**t is right in front of me and if you don't send someone down here, I'm going to beat his a**" only to find out that the caller was a defendant in another call from earlier that night that we were looking for.  Way to stay off the radar you idiot.  I mean if I got busted once in a night, I'd say I met my quota.  Different group of thug wannabe's were going around to different doors trying to force their way inside so they could steal but here's the real kicker...THEY LIVE HERE, THE DOORS REQUIRE INDIVIDUAL SWIPE CARDS AND WE HAVE CAMERAS EVERYWHERE!  Duh!  Morons.  If you haven't already guessed, I'm a dispatcher for a police department but I can't say where or give you specifics.  :( <-----Frowny face.  I swear, criminals are getting dumber and dumber every generation.    I might need a cigarette after this.  It's too good.  If you have an equally humorous story that you want to share, I encourage you to do so.  I was going to spend a couple of minutes trying to think of a catchy phrase to end with but I can't think of anything.  Don't do drugs and remember only you can prevent forest fires....wait what?

World's Dumbest Criminal

Try it again Sam but this time try really hard not to suck

Yesterday, I wrote a mini-rant about how Spiderman 3 was, in my opinion, the worst movie in the history of the world.  Today, I'm going to do a full blown rant about why.  This topic is very near and dear to my heart because I'm what you would call a Spiderman "Fanboy".  Not in the I would dress up as him for every Halloween kind of way but I know a lot about him and his story is my absolute favorite in the Marvel lore.  Spiderman 3 was supposed to be the movie that concluded everyone's friendly neighborhood webslinger's story and feature everyone's favorite villain, Venom, but for some reason or another featured Sandman, New Goblin, and briefly mentioned Venom.  So I'm going to rip this thing to shreds starting with the cast, tear up the plot and then paste the movie back together the way I wanted it to be.

Cast:
Spiderman/Peter Parker:  My very own doppelganger Toby Maguire who on a good day is a fantastic young Spiderman/Peter Parker but on a bad day is this teary-eyed mutant:

Harry Osborne/New Goblin:  The same whiny guy from the other two films James Franco, who also played the moron Stoner/Drug Dealer in Pineapple Express.  I saw in an interview that he has personally never smoked weed and to get into character he pretended to be drunk.  WTF?  Who acts like they're stoned when they're drunk? 

Eddie Brock/Venom(who is an Olympic class bodybuilder btw): Topher Grace(the skinny kid EVERYONE picked on in That 70's Show, including his girlfriend)

Flint Marko/Sandman: Thomas Hayden Church, or as I like to call him, Lowell from Wings

For some reason or another, Sam added Gwen Stacey and her dad for shits and giggles?  I'll get to those two in the plot tear down.  Everyone else in the film is just filler for this crapfest.

Plot:

Here is the official IMDB plot of Spiderman 3:

           A strange black entity from another world bonds with Peter Parker and causes
           inner turmoil as he contends with new villains, temptations, and revenge.

Here is what really happened:

           Peter Parker's life is finally coming together.  He's got the girl, fame, career, school....everything.  One day in class he gets hit on by a hot blonde named Gwen, whose father is a police Captain, and everything goes to crap.  On his way to propose to Mary Jane, Peter's former friend Harry(who believes Peter killed his father) attacks Peter with a new Green Goblin outfit.  Hilarity ensues with Peter knocking Harry out cold.  When Harry wakes up, conveniently he has no idea that Peter is Spiderman.  While this is going on, Flint Marko, escapes from prison.  During the chase, he falls into some kind of an irradiated wheat silo, where his atoms are scrambled(cliche) turning him into Sandman, the gayest villain besides every Spiderman villain except Venom, Dr. Ock, Carnage, and the Green Goblin.  I mean come on, Spidey has a villain called "Shocker"

One in the pink, two in the stink.  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.  So to continue, Gwen's daddy tells Peter that his uncle's killer really wasn't the killer.  It was actually this guy we have never heard about until it was forced down our throats by Hollywood, named Flint Marko.  To top it off, Marko only did the job because his kid has some form of illness and he needed the money *thief with a heart of gold* *cue the sob music* more than Uncle Ben needed to not be shot.  After Peter confronts Sandman and gets his ass handed to him, he gets possessed by a sentient puddle of oil and becomes Black Suit Spiderman.  Liking his new powers, Peter goes Emo, uses Gwen to lose Mary Jane, reawakens Harry's memory, still can't defeat Sandman, pisses off the kid from That 70's Show, gets rid of the puddle of oil by giving it to Eddie and creates the most powerful villain he has ever encountered but who is still the lame ass from That 70's Show with a black costume.  Mary Jane gets kidnapped again, Harry becomes Peter's alley and dies for it, Venom dies by a fireball and Sandman walks away scott free.  The End.

Now after turning your mind to goo with my synopsis of the movie, here is what should have been made.

The Plot that should have been:

Peter Parker's life is finally coming together.  He's got the girl, fame, career, school....everything.  One day in some kind of generic experiment, Peter creates a symbiotic entity that enhances his super hero powers.  Having a new lease on the super hero thing, he tries to take more control of his life at work, at home, and as Spiderman.  At work, he starts to be more assertive and makes an enemy in the form of Eddie Brock a staff photographer and amateur weight lifter.  Eddie gets fired and loses his wife due to some Spiderman photos he fakes depicting the webslinger robbing a bank creating a burning hatred.  Spiderman retaliates personally by beating Brock senseless.  Peter mistakenly brags about this event to Mary Jane causing her to question her relationship and she and he split up.  Unable to accept not having Mary Jane in his life, Peter sets about trying to rid himself of the symbiont.  When he rejects the suit, it serendipitously finds the one man who hates Spiderman as much as it does...Eddie Brock.  Murderously fueled and powered by the symbiont, Eddie becomes Venom, Spiderman's greatest villain, who knows all his secrets and who can negate all his powers.  Seeking to destroy all Spiderman holds dear, Venom kidnaps Aunt May and Mary Jane.  An epic battle ensues with Spiderman the winner and Venom beaten.  Mary Jane and Peter finally get married, with Aunt May looking on lovingly.  The End.

Now, Sam Rami, was that so hard?  Gwen Stacey, her dad, Sandman, Emo Peter and New Goblin could have all been left on the cutting room floor leaving you with an epic movie that everyone would have loved.  I don't understand why you would have killed the franchise like you did.  I hope that the memory of it haunts you for the rest of your natural life.  Much like I hope the casting choice of Hayden Christain as Anakin Skywalker haunts George Lucas.

Top Ten Best Video Games in the World

I'm gonna make my first blog post a top ten list of video games that I think are the best in the world.  I would love to hear what you think of my lists too so be sure to comment about how I'm an idiot, an expletive, <insert racial slur here> for picking this or that game.  So without any pomp or circumstance here is my Top Ten List of Games That Are The Best In The World or TTL GTA TBIT W for short.

#1 The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion ( Xbox 360 )

If you are like me then this statement is probably true: I play video games to feel powerful and badass.  I am not a powerful person in real life.  I'm a 29 year old Army Reservist/ Police Dispatcher whose daughter thinks is "Cool".  In Oblivion, my character is the most powerful mage in Tamriel who can cast spells for any situation and that literally killed every single person in one village with one spell.  It looked a lot like this.

 

Not to say that a person can only feel powerful by destroying something or someone but it gives an example to gauge from.  The major draw of this game was the ability to customize your character in everyway possible.  I spent countless hours doing Oblivion marathons while my then pregnant wife played "The Movies" on PC.

#2 Goldeneye ( Nintendo 64 )

In the nineties, you might have watched an awesome James Bond film called Goldeneye. In it, a famous British Secret Agent named James Bond played by actor Pierce Bronson, has to unravel the secret identity of a villian known as Janos and stop him from using a  "laser"  

orbiting Earth to destroy major cities.  Now imagine a game based around that on the N64 with local multiplayer support.  Doesn't sound like it's that great but I was in my teens embodying an icon, preventing world destruction, and owning my friends in deathmatches!  Who doesn't want to do that?  I know I did! 

#3 Zombie Gunship ( iPod Touch / iPhone / iPad )
Now I have always been a hardcore gaming console player but I recently got an iPod Touch for a birthday present from my mom, Thanks mom, and downloaded this truely addictive game off a causal search through the App Store.  Zombie Gunship is the simplist game packed with all kinds of unlockables that I play over and over and over again.  You are a gunner in an AC130 Gunship equiped with a 25mm mini gun, 40mm Bofors rockets, and a 105mm Howitzer.  To enhance your undead masacre, you get a white/black hot night vision.  For those of you that have played Modern Warfare 2 spec ops levels, remember the one where you were a gunner in an AC130?  This game is that but with zombies.  My best score to date is 6 humans.  I know that you are suppose to count zombie kills but I hate it when those dumb civilians run along side a 20 man group of zombies.  I mean come on, who does that?  If I were in the middle of a damn zombie apocolypse, I wouldn't be getting my cardio on next to them (although that would be a great motivator).  Seriously though my best is like 941 kills, which may seem like a lot but I'm like 10,000th on the leaderboard for the game so I'm not that great.  I can't imagine what type of ADHD people can score better than me.   According to Scuba Steve @ videogameforums.com, the high score is 151,000.  I don't know how accurate this is but I'm gonna say it's probably in the ballpark.

#4 Jetpack Joyride ( iPod Touch / iPhone / iPad )
Touch the screen to go up.  Let go of the screen to go down.  Don't hit the zappers, lasers or missles, collect coins and try to go as far as possible.  Purchase vehicle upgrades, costumes and some very zany jetpacks.  Simple as that sounds, this insanely addictive game has entranced me for more than five playthroughs totally over 8 hours of gameplay for the low low price of $0.99!  I can't put into words what it is about this game that hooks me, which is very unfortunate considering this is a blog.  Oh well, go buy this game and find out.  I mean if you think it sucks, it only cost $0.99!

#5 Super Mario World ( Super Nintendo )

It's the Mario Bros. 1st appearance on the Super Nintendo and the greatest one ever.  For the first time Mario was seen in 16 glorious bits riding on a dinosaur exploring this massive world in a cape.  I remember using that cape to glide through a full level.  The only times I touched the ground was when I started the level and when I finished the level.

#6 Spiderman 2 ( Xbox )

When Marvel Comics and Sony Entertainment announced Spiderman the movie, I openly wept.  Not really but I think you know where I'm going with this.  Peter Parker is the greatest superhero of all time!  No other comic book, tv, movie or video game character has the same humanity feel that Spiderman does.  He is a character that people can connect with emotionally because he has real problems with relationships, work, marriage, etc.  Spiderman is who Peter is to escape his life and not the other way around.  With the game, I got to be that but interactively.  I forgot to eat while playing this game.  My friends would have to stop by and remind me to.  I would still play this game today, not as much, if the Xbox 360 had made it backwards compatable.  Oh and for people that know games, the guys that did Black Ops, did Spiderman 2 just so you can imagine how well it was done.  Oh and for a final thought on this, Spiderman 3 sucked worse then anything I can imagine.  I'm going to do a post explaining in detail what that movie should have been.

#7 Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy ( Xbox )

You can pick people up, hurl them across a room, drop them from incredible heights, hit them with things in the environment, drop things on them, posses them, make them kill themselves with whatever weapon they have (including a bazooka) and set them on fire all with your mind while shooting them.  Oh and you can do it as Scorpion from Mortal Kombat if you have the cheat code.  Do I really need to explain why that is awesome?

#8 Call of Duty: Black Ops ( Xbox 360 / PS3 / PC )

I know having this game at number 8 on my list will drive some people up the wall but hear me out.  I played this game so much in Iraq during my last deployment that I would have dreams about it.  I loved this game when it come out and liked it in Iraq but now I hate it.  And for spite I hate MW3 even though I've never played it just because it shares a name with Black Ops.  Now this rant is just geared toward the multiplayer death matches.  Zombies is in my humble opinion the best thing since sliced bread and would have stood up as a stand alone title. 

The repetitive killing of Nazi Zombies

is broken up in waves but you never truely feel safe from the undead.  Add to it that you never have enough ammo.  All in all this is a supremely well done gameplay mode and I can't wait to see the next one.

#9 Super Punch Out!! ( Super Nintendo )

Nuff said.

#10 The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ( Nintendo 64 )

When this game first came out my 80 year old french horn instructor made the comment "You play video games right?  Did you know they made a game about a sweet potato?" 

Unknown to me, "sweet potato" is what his generation of musicians called an ocarina.  Having never been a fan of sweet potatoes myself, the reference went over my head until I discovered sweet potato fries.  I have also never played a Zelda game until then due to the overall time requirement a person had to spend with the game.  I was envolved with band, baseball, soccer, boyscouts and school but when this game came out, I had failed at everything but band so I was free to play.  Plus I had a tv in my room by then so I didn't have to wait for a turn on the family tube.  I liked the "go anywhere, do anything" feel of the game.  So to summorize, Ocarina of Time = Sweet potato fries.

I hope you enjoyed my TTL GTA TBIT W.  Be sure to comment, like and share this blog with everybody.