Try it again Sam but this time try really hard not to suck

Yesterday, I wrote a mini-rant about how Spiderman 3 was, in my opinion, the worst movie in the history of the world.  Today, I'm going to do a full blown rant about why.  This topic is very near and dear to my heart because I'm what you would call a Spiderman "Fanboy".  Not in the I would dress up as him for every Halloween kind of way but I know a lot about him and his story is my absolute favorite in the Marvel lore.  Spiderman 3 was supposed to be the movie that concluded everyone's friendly neighborhood webslinger's story and feature everyone's favorite villain, Venom, but for some reason or another featured Sandman, New Goblin, and briefly mentioned Venom.  So I'm going to rip this thing to shreds starting with the cast, tear up the plot and then paste the movie back together the way I wanted it to be.

Cast:
Spiderman/Peter Parker:  My very own doppelganger Toby Maguire who on a good day is a fantastic young Spiderman/Peter Parker but on a bad day is this teary-eyed mutant:

Harry Osborne/New Goblin:  The same whiny guy from the other two films James Franco, who also played the moron Stoner/Drug Dealer in Pineapple Express.  I saw in an interview that he has personally never smoked weed and to get into character he pretended to be drunk.  WTF?  Who acts like they're stoned when they're drunk? 

Eddie Brock/Venom(who is an Olympic class bodybuilder btw): Topher Grace(the skinny kid EVERYONE picked on in That 70's Show, including his girlfriend)

Flint Marko/Sandman: Thomas Hayden Church, or as I like to call him, Lowell from Wings

For some reason or another, Sam added Gwen Stacey and her dad for shits and giggles?  I'll get to those two in the plot tear down.  Everyone else in the film is just filler for this crapfest.

Plot:

Here is the official IMDB plot of Spiderman 3:

           A strange black entity from another world bonds with Peter Parker and causes
           inner turmoil as he contends with new villains, temptations, and revenge.

Here is what really happened:

           Peter Parker's life is finally coming together.  He's got the girl, fame, career, school....everything.  One day in class he gets hit on by a hot blonde named Gwen, whose father is a police Captain, and everything goes to crap.  On his way to propose to Mary Jane, Peter's former friend Harry(who believes Peter killed his father) attacks Peter with a new Green Goblin outfit.  Hilarity ensues with Peter knocking Harry out cold.  When Harry wakes up, conveniently he has no idea that Peter is Spiderman.  While this is going on, Flint Marko, escapes from prison.  During the chase, he falls into some kind of an irradiated wheat silo, where his atoms are scrambled(cliche) turning him into Sandman, the gayest villain besides every Spiderman villain except Venom, Dr. Ock, Carnage, and the Green Goblin.  I mean come on, Spidey has a villain called "Shocker"

One in the pink, two in the stink.  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.  So to continue, Gwen's daddy tells Peter that his uncle's killer really wasn't the killer.  It was actually this guy we have never heard about until it was forced down our throats by Hollywood, named Flint Marko.  To top it off, Marko only did the job because his kid has some form of illness and he needed the money *thief with a heart of gold* *cue the sob music* more than Uncle Ben needed to not be shot.  After Peter confronts Sandman and gets his ass handed to him, he gets possessed by a sentient puddle of oil and becomes Black Suit Spiderman.  Liking his new powers, Peter goes Emo, uses Gwen to lose Mary Jane, reawakens Harry's memory, still can't defeat Sandman, pisses off the kid from That 70's Show, gets rid of the puddle of oil by giving it to Eddie and creates the most powerful villain he has ever encountered but who is still the lame ass from That 70's Show with a black costume.  Mary Jane gets kidnapped again, Harry becomes Peter's alley and dies for it, Venom dies by a fireball and Sandman walks away scott free.  The End.

Now after turning your mind to goo with my synopsis of the movie, here is what should have been made.

The Plot that should have been:

Peter Parker's life is finally coming together.  He's got the girl, fame, career, school....everything.  One day in some kind of generic experiment, Peter creates a symbiotic entity that enhances his super hero powers.  Having a new lease on the super hero thing, he tries to take more control of his life at work, at home, and as Spiderman.  At work, he starts to be more assertive and makes an enemy in the form of Eddie Brock a staff photographer and amateur weight lifter.  Eddie gets fired and loses his wife due to some Spiderman photos he fakes depicting the webslinger robbing a bank creating a burning hatred.  Spiderman retaliates personally by beating Brock senseless.  Peter mistakenly brags about this event to Mary Jane causing her to question her relationship and she and he split up.  Unable to accept not having Mary Jane in his life, Peter sets about trying to rid himself of the symbiont.  When he rejects the suit, it serendipitously finds the one man who hates Spiderman as much as it does...Eddie Brock.  Murderously fueled and powered by the symbiont, Eddie becomes Venom, Spiderman's greatest villain, who knows all his secrets and who can negate all his powers.  Seeking to destroy all Spiderman holds dear, Venom kidnaps Aunt May and Mary Jane.  An epic battle ensues with Spiderman the winner and Venom beaten.  Mary Jane and Peter finally get married, with Aunt May looking on lovingly.  The End.

Now, Sam Rami, was that so hard?  Gwen Stacey, her dad, Sandman, Emo Peter and New Goblin could have all been left on the cutting room floor leaving you with an epic movie that everyone would have loved.  I don't understand why you would have killed the franchise like you did.  I hope that the memory of it haunts you for the rest of your natural life.  Much like I hope the casting choice of Hayden Christain as Anakin Skywalker haunts George Lucas.